Monday, April 30, 2007

Alot of things happened suddenly.

-Out shopping with mum.
-Mum gets call from maid.
-Maid says my grandfather had a
coughing fit and then went silent.
-Mum starts panicking and asked maid
if he's breathing.
-Maid can't talk because she's in shock.
-We both panick and run to taxi stand.
-Waited one and a half hours for cab.
-Mum's friend went over instead.
-Mum's friend calls my mum and says
"I'm sorry,he's gone."
-Mum cries in taxi stand.
-I feel damn bad but trying to calm mum
down.
-We finally get into the cab and rush over.
-Police is waiting outside the house.
-They question her.
-She tries to speak while crying.
-I see grandpa.
-I cry.
-He's gone.

;-(

Goodbye grandpa.
But i know you're still gonna be around
to watch us grow up.
You lost your eyesight totally when I was 2.
At least you got to know how my brother and
I look like.
I'm only 19..and you thought I was in university
about 3 years ago.How cute you are,grandpa.
I'm gonna miss you.
No wait..I already do.
The last I saw you was at Christmas.
I meant to come down to see you that night with
mum.
But we were too late.You didn't wait for us.
I guess you chose that time for a reason.
Mum and I are just sad that no one was with
you at the time of your peaceful departure.
But i do believe somehow that your mum was there.
I do believe angels were there for you.
Singing for you.
I was in shock.
I never knew you were going to go that fast.
i always thought you were really strong,just like
your wife.
We didn't tell her you're gone,though.
I know she knows by herself.
She's quiet these days.No more hallucinations.

My suit is ready to be worn for you tomorrow.
So is mum's and godpa's.
I'm sorry Richie couldn't be here.
Dad too.
But you know we'll visit you together whenever
we can.
You know we will.
Everything happened so fast.
You taught me one thing though,that I always
never believed or just simply brushed off..
You taught me that you should always treasure the
ones you love and say everything you wanna say to
your loved ones before it's too late.
You also taught me that things happen when you
least expect it.
Now I know what to do and what to look for
in life.

My tears are dropping now,endlessly.
I just felt the need to put down my feelings here.
I hope you know how much I loved you and how
I loved to talk to you,even if it was about something
you were hallucinating or imagining.
Whatever you told me,I'd cherish it.
I won't forget it.
I won't.
You're always gonna be in my heart.
I will never forget you.

We know it is against your wish to be cremated.
We respect that,hence your burial tomorrow.
No matter how far we have to travel to get to your
place on earth,we'll do it.
You mean alot to us.
We thought no one would come to your wake.
But look at the turn out?
Everyone knew how good you were to us.
It was just your character to be wise,honest,patient,
and giving.
I know you had a tragic accident.
You fell badly into a drain after coming out from church.
You had a serious eye op that left you blind.
Yet you didn't give anyone trouble.
Mum said you never gave anyone trouble.
Even when you departed,you didn't trouble anyone.
We wouldn't have said anything if you did.

Grandpa,I can't say more.
I never really talked to you much because i only
visited you once a week when I was in pri school.
In secondary school,I was much busier and I seldom
came there to see you.
I regret that.
So what if you're blind? You still could feel my hands.
and you could talk to me.
I regret that..I'm sorry..I'm really so so sorry.
I know you won't hold it against me.
But I won't make this mistake anymore.
Even if your wife can't really see anymore,I'm gonna try
and talk to her everyday.Bit by bit,depending on her
mood.Sometimes she gets bad dreams and starts
screaming.I never once complained about that.
She can't help it.
In a way,she lights up the room in the morning.
You will know what I'm talking about when you come
and see her tomorrow.
For now,please try and get some rest.
It might be cold for you,though it's hot for us.
I've covered your brown box.I don't wanna say the word.
But to me,it's the brown box.
I've polished off the fingerprints,like last night.
I hope you like the box mum and I agreed on.
I regret not taking the white one though.
i thought you might get offended because the guy said
it usually is for ladies.
You'll have much more freedom and peace tomorrow.
Not to worry.
Once again,please try and rest now.
We're gonna do the same.
i want to have enough strength for you tomorrow.
I just want to.

Goodnight,grandpa.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Night night.

Friday, April 27, 2007

I'm feeling much better now.
I think.
I kept thinking and thinking last night
before I slept..Which was around 3..
This feeling of depression just came over
me..
I forced myself to sleep..
I listened to the same song over and over
again till I felt sleepy and just chucked the
ipod away.I didn't realise it was on repeat.
Sigh..

I got a million and one things to say..
They're at the tip of my tongue..No.wait.
Fingers,I meant.
But making you feel more guilty than you
already do is not gonna make things better..
Neither would I feel good about it..
Because you punished me for my wrong
doings in ways that I won't ever do to
you..

I'm still sore about it,alright.
I've forgiven you but I'm still sore.
It hit me very badly..
I'm sure what I did to you last time
was lingering at the back of your head for
a few days or maybe a week after it happened.
I won't question you anymore..
I'm tired..and I know you're tired of answering
my questions.
Oh wait..I have but one more question to ask you..
I guess I'll text you soon..

I'm supposed to go out with my mum..
But i'm rather reluctant(although it's shopping time)
because I know she wants to speak to me bout
something I really do NOT wanna talk about..
Well,maybe I'll talk to her bout how I feel and everything..
But she's jolly well gonna talk me out of it..
Tough luck,again.
I'd better win..
This is all up to me anyway.

nothing is worst than having a very very bad tummy
ache when you're about to go out.
Grrrrrr...

Thursday, April 26, 2007

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fuck................
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.





Fuck!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't ever wanna say this to your
face...
THIS is what's in my HEAD..

"I think i'll get outta here..
Where I can run..Just as fast as I can..
To the middle of nowhere..
To the middle of my frustrated fears..
And I swear..You're just like a pill..
Instead of making me better..You keep making
me ill.."

I didn't mean every word in there..
I meant the first part though..
sigh..
SIGH..!!

I filed off my long nails which I took time
to grow..Just so that I won't do SOMETHING..
FUCK!!!!!

Nah..I don't think I have an anger management
problem..





Ah,FUCK..
Been two days huh..

Keeping myself busy with my friends
and baby..:)

Let's see.Tuesday afternoon was supposed
to be spent at church with Shal and Chris..
But since I had insomnia and only slept at
5.30..I happily woke up at 11.45 when mass
was at 12..
Perfect..Did not go to church..
Thought mum went also..so I called her
handphone whilst still in bed..
She answered the phone and then i realised
she was in the house..-_-
She was down with food poisoning..

So anyway..Chris came over and showered then
we went to Hougang Mall to meet Shal..
Had fun catching up with her..
But I didn't enjoy the malay emo guys
staring at Chris and us..
Why the hell do they have to do that when they
see other people with emo hairstyles?
Mad or just plain mad? You tell me..
But then i realised something,.
Thay have absolutely nothing at all to do..
No school..nothing..
All they do is hang out an wait for people to
come by so they can stare at them..
SIckening,I say..
Shan't say anymore..
(Don't exactly wanna get into trouble)

We left Shal at her house..
Then we train-ed to Bugis and met Casey
and Khai..Took a soot from Casey..
Felt a bit better after that..
I'm not gonna say that i'm addicted to it..
But I think I am..but then again..I know what
to do..not to worry,baby.
You soot too..;)
We headed to town after that..Looked around
here and there..
Saw many things I'd like to get..;)
Saw some stuff for baby too..
not gonna say what because baby reads my blog..
Hmm..

Didn't do much yesterday..
Just lazed around at home with baby..She was off again..
She stayed the night before and last night..
Now she's off to work..
And i'm off to meet mum for bra and panty shopping..
;)
Gonna be fun..

Okay..baby needs the goodbye kiss from me..
and more..

so..

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Good morning my dearest com..

;)
I've been ignoring you..
for bout..hmm..1 day?
And I feel damn bad..
No hard feelings okay?
Okay..

The past 2 days were spent with
Baby..she was off..
We spent great quality time yesterday..
And I have to say that she's really patient
with me..when i looked at shoes and stuff..
She took the time to pick out nice stuff for
me..I did the same for her too..
She saw alot of stuff she liked..
But we were both broke so no shopping
was done..;)
Soon..soon..

Today..was holland v day..
went there with Baby and met Chris and Casey..
Had yong tau fu soup and felt abit bloated and
sick after that..so i kept drinking water..
Then Brandon came..poor fellow..argued with
Roxanne..Oh well..None of my business but..
Just feel bad for him..;(

Meeting Shal tomorrow with Chris..
Gonna go to church and meet my mum
there..Haven't chatted with her in a
DAMN long time..
Can't wait to sit and talk to her..
I know she's changed alot..
But it's for the better..
Oh..before going to church..
I'm hitting the gym with Chris..
I asked baby along..but she's scared she'll
be late for work..afternoon shift..
Speaking of her..she's supposed to be online now..
But she's missing in action..
;)

I'M BORED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Argh....
and i'm not tired..
I can't sleep!!!
kept getting up yesterday..don't know why..
SIgh..am I that stressed?
I don't think so..
It's minimizing..but why am I not sleeping well?
Sigh..

Oh well..off i go..
gonna look for baby..

Thursday, April 19, 2007






Took these e few days ago at casey's house..
Just felt like putting them up now..
God damn it! I'm so bored at home..
But anyway I'm too tired to go out anywhere..
Seriously..
I'm very very moody and tired..
I think it's THAT time of the month again..
I soooooooo do not like..
I'm feeling very very bloated on top of that..
And somehow..any songs that have people screaming
and shouting just irritate the shit out of me now..
I don't know why..

I'm feeling so F**ked UP!!!!!
GGGgggrrrrrr...
There's no one online to talk to also!
Shall just wait for baby to get home and
go online so I can talk to her..
;)

Oh well..since I had a whole day of boredom..
It shall end tomorrow..
Made plans to go to casey's house for fondue..
Shall not eat the whole of tomorrow till the
fondue..That way I won't feel so guilty bout
gaining weight..
Thinking whether to bring my laptop to
casey's house again or will mum scold me
again??
I'm taking good care of this baby..
How the hell can I ruin it?!
SIgh...
Oh well..
Shall see how it goes...
Bloody dumb fuck!

Just felt like saying that..
Hee..

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

When's this feeling of depression
ever gonna go away?
It's actually up to me..
But I seriously have no clue whatsoever
to what I'm supposed to do..

One,two or more people have been
complaining bout things I've been
doing..
I shall not say anything more..
I think I should just stay in my room
and not leave.
That way I won't be disturbing people
right?
Wrong..
I'm gonna go all out and just be myself..
Love me for who I am..
Can't handle it? Well,I'm sorry I'm not perfect.

I'm feeling ever so tired now..I got up bout
3 hours ago and I didn't even do anything..
It's either I'm being a slob or it just proves to
show that I'm just depressed.
And you know what's the most irritating thing of
it all?
It's not being able to decide whether I wanna go
out or just stay home.
F***k,I tell you.

I'm gonna try and keep myself occupied.
Oh..before that I think I ought to go take a
shower..
Baby's coming over and I don't exactly wanna
torture her by being stinky.
Come on,she had work just now and that's probably
the last thing she needs right now,right?

Oh yeah..forgot to mention that yesterday
was a blast.
Went to Holland V with Chris to meet casey..
Rented a dvd (which we ended up not watching)
Then we went over to Casey's house..
I must say her house is extremely cozy..;)
and so's her bed..
I brought my laptop to transfer stuff from hers
to mine..
then we played around and then ate pasta that
her dad made..
Boy,was it good!
So then after that we played around somemore then
we sat in front of the tv..
I cut and coloured casey's hair while watching
Robin hood..
Her father said that I'm good..;)
That made my day,actually.
After that I waited for casey to wash out the colour
and then we went to buy chocolates to eat from
Caltex..instead of having the fondue coz it
was too late already..
Headed home after that..it was really fun.
Hopefull we're gonna have the chocolate
fondue on Friday..

Was just watching Gwen stefani's making the video..
So wish to be her..

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Oh my God!!!!

I was supposed to get up at 6am and
get ready to go to SJC and I overslept!!
I was so excited to see the band playing
for the SYF..;(
WHY WHY WH???!!!!!
Perhaps it's coz I slept a lil too late..
Sigh...
I'm very disappointed with myself now..
THe funny thing is that I set the alarm
to 6am and I didn't hear it ring at all!!
WHY??!!
I never did this before....
I'm so so so so upset..
I'm gonna make sure the next the band
plays and I get an opportunity to watch,
I'm gonna sleep outside the place.
That way I won't be late at all..
GGGGGgggrrrrrr...............................

AH well..
I'm supposed to get ready now..
and meet chris and casey at Holland V..
We're gonna go to casey's house and have
a chocolate fondue and movie party.;)
I like..
After that I'm gonna go to town and fetch
the girlfriend from work.
Don't worry darling..we'll go have fondue at
some nice place when you're off ok?
You missed my last fondue session too,you
know? ;(
Soon,honey..soon.

Mum bought lunch for me already.
I guess I can't leave till I eat at least a bit.
Or she'll have the nagging fits..
She won't stop..
And she'll give me that killer look.
I don't like..
So I'm gonna eat then get ready to go..
I owe mum a great big thanks for getting me
alot of stuff lately..
Like a power book,and ipod video,a crumpler..
I ought to work my ass off at achool and get a good
job and pay her back somehow..

Okay then..
Off I go..

Oh..I'm feeling very down..
I don't know why..
Err..actually I do..
But i'm not too certain about it so I'm not
gonna say anything..

Sunday, April 15, 2007

I just came back home.

Ate pasta and I'm not gonna eat
for the rest of the week.

Sent my bro off at the airport.

Came back home.

Chatted on the phone.

Not in a good mood now.

tata.
It's been a long time,huh.

Well,the past few months have been really
bumpy for me..
And somehow it affected alot of other people
as well..I never thought I'd get myself into
this sought of mess but..Oh well..you make
mistakes and you learn from them..
In my case..I made the mistake and I still
continued to wallow in it..
I know..Dumb right? Just plain dumb.
But i still did it..It's done.

But as I said to someone before..
Sometimes it takes tragedies to make you
realise how important things or people are
to you..
I neglected and ignored my family's words and
went against them..
Big Mistake..
Now I'm left with a perforated eardrum due to
assault.
My fault.I asked for it I guess.

I've put it all behind me now but I still get reminded
of it when I go for checkups.
It's a nightmare that I thought I'd never live.
Hey,I don't wish for anyone to ever go through this
pain.You'd just rather live your second life instantly.
I've got a blood clot in that perforated ear drum and
it's to be removed in 2 months.They tried removing it
sometime back but it hurt like hell so they stopped.
Know what? I'm just gonna go ahead and remove it now
because I'm sick of not being able to hear well..
I can't hear music properly using earphones.I DO NOT LIKE.
So I'm gonna get it removed soon and I hope I can make
the appointment on a day where Baby can follow me.
But then again I'm wondering if she'd be able to take it
without getting upset.Hmmm..

Anyway,I have ever right to feel contented now..
I'm gonna be starting my school soon..
*rubs my hands with glee..
My dream's finally here..
After a long year of wasting my life.
I'm' finally gonna be doing what I love and guess what..
I get to do it every damn day and the rest of my life!!!!
That's something for me I guess..
I just have to keep myself on track and no matter what,I
cannot afford to lose out.
Hope everything goes well..

I feel like the pieces of my life's starting to fall in it's
place now.But whatever obstacles come,I'll just face it like
anyone else would.I'm not gonna run away anymore..
I'm not afraid to shout at people whom I never thought I'd
shout at.
I'm not afraid to voice out any damn thing I should.
I'm not afraid to look into someone's eyes and tell him/her
off for whatever reason.
I'm just not gonna hide.
I'm gonna live by my rules this time.
I've been too soft-hearted and that's a known fact to people.
It's just a matter of time until it got the better of me and I
got hurt so badly.
So yeah..Things are gonna be different from now on.
But I'm still gonna be the same me.

Okay..Now that's done.
My bro's leaving for Taiwan tonight.
Gonna miss him alot when he goes.
3 weeks of not seeing him,even if it's just weekends when he
books out (althought I see him for bout 5 or so minutes)..
I'm still gonna miss him..
Somehow it seems that he's closer to us even more than before..
I'm lovin' that..:)
So I'm off to the airport tonight..
But having dinner at some place before that.

Baby's knocking off from work soon..
Oh! I'm supposed to call her now!

Laters..
hello